Monday, July 27, 2009

Its been awhile...

So it has definately been awhile since I have posted anything on our blog, the last post was when we found out that our baby Angel was a girl. And now she is already back in heaven. It is still unreal to me alot of times. I actually still feel like mabey it was a mistake and if I go the the cemetary to get her that she will be ok and I can just feed and hold her and everything will be fine. I wish that was the case. I wish I could of had her on April 8th when she was still alive and then there would be no cord accidents. But I also know that if it is their time to go, then it is just their time. Heavenly Father would take her regardless of when I had her, like Russ said, "She fullfilled the measure of her creation, she received her body and felt Joy and Love, that is all she needed to do." Her purpose here on earth has been fullfilled. But I don't want it to be fullfilled already, I still want her here with me NOW. But that again is not up to me. I have to keep telling myself that I get her later, I get to raise, love and hold her later. I get to do it all in the most perfect world where I do not have to worry about her growing up and getting hurt by this horrible world or making the wrong choices. Now she is just waiting on us to make to right choices to make it back to her. She is definatley the first one I think about when choices im my life arise. Sometimes I still feel like I am pregnant, like it's not over, mabey because I went thru the whole pregnancy and delivery and never brought her home with us, like it's not over yet. Her room is still the same. Her little clothes and blankets are all still neatly folded in her crib underneath new stuff that should not have to be there like funeral programs & sympathy cards. I miss her. I love her. I want her. Noone will ever replace her. She is my angel that got her wings to early. I wish I would have been able to see her eyes look up at me, My arms ache. I want to smell her and kiss her little nose. I want to help teach her to walk and talk. But later, later I get to do all those things. To her it won't be long, to us it will be a lifetime. A long lifetime. I LOVE MY BABY. I LOVE ALL MY BABIES! I will post lots of pictures and video soon.

6 comments:

Doster Dorks said...

My heart aches for your. You are an amazing and strong woman, and that's why you were chosen to be her mom. You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.

Brad and Jamie Porter said...

Ya i just cried reading your post. I am still amazed at how strong you are and what an example you are to me. I am so excited that you will get to raise her again.... if you need to talk about anything i am always here for you......

Anna Marie said...

Oh,I just had a good cry. It may sound weird, but I needed that. Thank you for sharing. Although it hurts that we don't get them now, I'm so glad to know we will be able to be with our little ones later on.

Leslie said...

I have no words of comfort, my eyes have flowed many times reading thinking and seeing your precious little angel pictures stories videos and posts. I am so very sorry you have to go through such a difficult trial which no one would ever want to endure. You must be very strong and faithful right...as they say Heavenly Father knows what you can handle. I can only imagine your grief, disbelief and yearning for her and I am so sorry. The gospel helps so much to know you get to raise her in Heaven and I pray for you & Russ and everyone in your family daily. May the Lord help you when you ache. She's a beautiful beautiful little baby.

With much love and sympathy.

brandygirl000 said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'm sorry that you guys have to go through this. I can't even begin to imagine. Thank goodness for the Gospel. I wish you guys all the comfort and love you need.
Take care!

Melany & Jim said...

What a beautiful baby girl! You dont know me, I came across your blog on NILMDS page on facebook! I know exactly how you are feeling. I lost my son in March 2007. Such a hard thing to go through, but also what a blessing is is to know that we will see them again someday!! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!! Check out my blog to read my angel, Easton's story. www.melany-thealexanderfamily.blogspot.com